Life Coaching Tip: Setting healthy boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s an important step towards up leveling your life. It’s all about self-care. As you practice, your guilt will begin to dissipate, and you will feel more empowered. The benefits will totally outweigh the initial discomfort, I promise!
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After sharing my last post about the importance of learning to say “no” to the demands of others so you have space for what’s meaningful to you, I heard from several readers who were able to relate to my story.
And this isn’t surprising because many of us were taught that pleasing others is a way to win love and acceptance.
The message was especially clear for women from the patriarchal society in which we were raised: It’s not polite to take a stand for ourselves or put our needs first.
And so, we avoid confrontations and try not to disappoint others, for fear of appearing selfish, the biggest sin of all.
But really, this pattern of striving to be self-LESS is truly the wrongdoing. You, my friend, with all your unique gifts and talents, were not meant to be LESS than yourself.
You were meant to be the star in the story of your life, not a supporting character. And to truly shine, this means saying “no” to anything that gets in the way of that happening.
But, changing the habit of saying an automatic “yes” to every request will likely feel uncomfortable and take practice, and so I encouraged you to start small.
Practice first with humans you are not close with, like the telemarketer who just wants a “few moments of your time,” and then gradually make your way to those closer to you.
*If you missed last week’s piece, you will find it here: The Answer is No: A Lesson in Boundaries 101.
Since the topic of boundaries has sparked some interest, I’ve decided to continue the conversation to help you through the holidays.
‘Tis the season for togetherness AND establishing healthy boundaries, right?
I’ve found that when initially coaching with me, some of my clients aren’t even quite sure about what boundaries are or why they might need them. This may be true for you too, especially if you didn’t grow up in a household that modeled healthy boundaries.
So today, I am sharing an exercise that can help you gain clarity by creating a “Boundary Circle.”
Here’s what you do:
1. Ask yourself, “What do I need to be seen, supported, and heard?” Be honest with yourself and write these things down.
2. Draw a circle, and inside the circle, write down anything from that list that also aligns with your personal values and standards.
Leave anything that doesn’t align outside the circle.
3. Next, it’s time to get clear about the boundaries you must put in place to successfully live inside your circle.
For instance, if what you want/need for your life is peace and serenity, with lots of time for quiet thought and idea generation as you draft your new novel, then some of the boundaries you might consider are:
- Saying “no” to uninvited guests who visit during the daytime hours, especially your loud, over-dramatic Aunt Tammy.
- Saying “no” when your partner schedules the annual furnace inspection in the middle of your workday, even though “you’re home anyways, and it will only take a few minutes.”
- Saying “no” to yourself when your brain wants to go to that old familiar place of telling you that you’re selfish and deserving of living a guilt-ridden life.
4. As you courageously begin to implement your new boundaries, get curious about the thoughts that begin to come up that stoke your fear and address them.
Almost always, your primal brain will embellish and exaggerate the dangers.
I mean, seriously, you will be just fine if Aunt Tammy yells at you or stops talking to you for a while, no matter what your brain tells you.
However, you will not be fine if you live your entire life inauthentically, putting your needs and wants on the backburner.
5. Be direct with the folks who lay a guilt trip on you, tug at your heartstrings, or try to bully you into putting their needs and wants ahead of your own.
Try: “No, that doesn’t work for me” or “No, I won’t” or “No, that is not acceptable” or “No, I don’t want to.”
Practice offering no apology and making it all about you: “I can’t talk on the phone every night this week because I am busy working on my new business.”
6. Finally, if this is all new for you, give yourself some grace. “No” is not going to roll off your tongue right away, especially when a request comes unexpectedly.
However, rather than going to your automatic “yes,” buy yourself some time. “Let me think about it” is an easy, straightforward way to do so, giving you time to practice a strong, direct “no,” if that’s what best serves you.
Please let me know how it goes, and reach out if you’d like some coaching support. Setting healthy boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s an important step towards up leveling your life.
It’s all about self-love.
And the terrific news is, as you practice, your guilt will begin to dissipate, and your will feel more powerful. It’s totally worth the initial discomfort.
‘Tis the season, right? (wink)
Happy Holidays, my friend!
The Answer is No: A Lesson in Boundaries 101