Life Coaching Tip: If saying “no” is a challenge for you, start small. The more you practice setting boundaries, the more confident you will become at standing up for yourself. This is important, because in the end, it’s not about saying “no” at all. It’s about learning to say “yes” to yourself!
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I can still remember the first time I said “no” to someone without apology or explanation.
It may sound odd that I remember this as a milestone in my life, but honestly, I do.
Like many people, I was taught from an early age NEVER to say “no” to an adult. As a matter of respect, it didn’t matter how I felt about it, I learned that it was wrong to debate the point, complain, or say “no.”
And it went on . . . because this wasn’t just true when a directive came from an adult. Really, I was taught that it was impolite to say “no” to just about anybody.
As a young girl, I was expected to smile, comply and “be nice.” This meant it was definitely not okay to “hurt someone’s feelings.”
My feelings? Well, I guess they didn’t matter much. At least that was the messaging I received. All that seemed to matter was not “making” anyone else unhappy, disappointed, or angry.
So, for much of my life, I was saying “yes” to just about everything. My plate was more than full, and I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and unhappy.
And the guilt!
As much as I tried not to “make” anyone unhappy, disappointed, or angry—they often were. Trying to anticipate other people’s reactions and get ahead of it ramped up my anxiety, and choosing between requests made me crazy.
I had no idea how to stop the endless pattern of trying to please others at the sake of my own happiness and wellbeing. Although I knew it would be a good idea to say “yes” to my own wants and needs, it never felt worth the guilt that would follow.
I also didn’t really know what I wanted and needed because I had little experience with these thoughts. My brain was trained to tap into other people’s feelings and to consider their wants and needs—not my own.
Now I’m going to stop here for a moment and say . . . I know, for sure, I’m not the only woman on the planet who grew up this way.
Unfortunately, I think most of us did. The conditioning, often from well-meaning, loving adults, started early—and then, we took it from there.
Today, we receive conflicting messages from the media and elsewhere telling us to make ourselves a priority, practice self-care, and “just say no” to all that does not serve us. But if this is unfamiliar, it can bring on even more uncomfortable, shame producing feelings.
So, if you can relate to any of this and have trouble saying “no,” here’s what worked for me . . . .
I practiced saying “no” in little bits.
First in situations with those not close to me, like to a host at a restaurant who wanted to sit us at a table that was too close to the noisy kitchen—and then I gradually made my way to acquaintances and those in my immediate circle.
As I practiced, I tried doing so without explanation or apology, giving up the idea that I needed to gain the other person’s approval to make it “okay.”
That was a hard one!
But I’m much better at it today. Over the years, I’ve learned the importance of tapping into my own wants, needs, and values, and saying “no” to all that doesn’t align with them.
Now going back to the start of this story, I’ll finish telling you about that first memorable time . . . .
It was my daughter, Marissa’s, senior year of high school, and she was coming back after being injured for most of the track season. As you might imagine, I was excited (and a little nervous) for her, and I knew it might be the last time I’d see her compete in high school.
Well, the night before that meet, I received a call from another team member’s parent.
She was very direct and said, “I’m putting together a schedule of parents to volunteer at the concession stand tomorrow. You’ll need to pick a time.”
What? I never signed up to do anything like that, I thought but didn’t say aloud.
She went on. “This is a requirement for all the parents. It raises funds to support the team, and we all need to do our part.”
I wanted to tell her that there was no way in hell I would be in that concession stand and miss my daughter’s races. I also wanted to say it was rude and presumptuous to call me the night before a meet with this type of expectation.
But I didn’t.
Instead, this is what I said: “No, that doesn’t work for me.” (silence)
Her: “But… (blah, blah, blah)”
Me: “My answer is no. Thank you. Hope to see you at the meet.”
Sister! I was so flippin’ proud of myself!!!
No guilt, no explanation, I just said “no”!
Ready to give it a try? I encourage you to start small like I did.
Other than simply saying “no,” here are some more ways to say it…
- “That doesn’t work for me.”
- “I’m not comfortable with that.”
- “I don’t want to.”
- “That is not acceptable
- “I’m drawing the line here.”
- “I’ve decided not to.”
Pretty powerful, right?
And as you move forward setting new boundaries, here are some things to consider to help with the unsettling feelings and mind-drama that might come up:
- You have a right to prioritize your own needs, feelings, and desires.
- It’s not your job to take responsibility for others or “fix” them.
- You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration.
- You have a right to say “no” without guilt or explanation.
- It’s okay to reject other people’s expectations of you, even if they feel angry or disappointed.
- There’s nothing to prove. You are enough.
If this all feels waaaay outside your comfort zone, then I encourage you to work at it. The more you practice, the easier it will become.
Because in the end, it’s not about saying “no” at all . . . .
It’s about learning to say “yes” to yourself!
PS – A primary focus of the work I do with my life coaching clients is around establishing healthy boundaries. I help my clients identify boundary issues that might be getting in their way and develop the skills and self-belief necessary to stop putting the demands of others ahead of their own aspirations. Then, as they move forward, I offer the support and accountability needed to navigate through this unchartered, often uncomfortable, territory and take their dreams over the finish line!
Ready to stop putting your goals on the backburner while everyone else has their time in the sun? Sister! Your unique gifts and talents were given to you to share with the world in a way that ONLY you can do! Your dreams matter!
Simply, request a consultation here and let’s talk about it! https://calendly.com/movingforwardlifecoaching/lifecoachingconsultation?month=2023-11
The Beat Goes On: Progress Requires Action