{"id":6060,"date":"2023-04-03T19:02:08","date_gmt":"2023-04-03T19:02:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/?p=6060"},"modified":"2024-02-07T03:16:03","modified_gmt":"2024-02-07T03:16:03","slug":"the-martyr-trap","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/the-martyr-trap\/","title":{"rendered":"The Martyr Trap"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Life Coaching Tip: The \u201cMartyr Trap\u201d is similar to the \u201cPowerless Trap\u201d from my last post. However, it\u2019s a bit more insidious, because we live in a culture that teaches young girls and women that it\u2019s virtuous to put the needs of others ahead of our\u00a0own. This is reinforced when we are rewarded with praise for neglecting our own needs and aspirations \u2014making it difficult to break free from this trap. But, as always, awareness is the key and change is possible!<\/em>

——————-

\u201cWhat am I supposed to do?\u201d my client, Donna, asked me.

\u201cMy sisters won\u2019t help with our mom, and I\u2019m forced to spend all my time at her place. Her memory is getting worse, so\u00a0someone needs to check on her every day,\u201d Donna said. \u201cI\u2019m falling behind at\u00a0work, and I\u2019m exhausted.\u00a0 To make matters worse, my sisters never thank me. And my mom doesn\u2019t appreciate anything I do for her either.\u00a0 All she does is complain.\u201d

When I offered to brainstorm solutions with Donna, she told\u00a0me this would be fruitless. She told\u00a0me about the options her husband had suggested\u2014such as hiring a caregiver to look in on her mother or requesting that her sisters take on more responsibility\u2014but Donna shot these ideas\u00a0down quickly.

\u201cBringing a caregiver or my sisters in at this point would be more work for me than help,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019d have to teach them all that\u2019s involved with Mom\u2019s medication, doctor\u2019s appointments, and schedule.\u00a0 Plus, you really can\u2019t trust anyone to follow through with what they say they\u2019re going to do these days.\u00a0 If they drop the ball, it could be a disaster.\u201d

Donna was stuck in the \u201cMartyr Trap\u201d.

And so was my client, Meg.

Meg hadn\u2019t had a day off from work in a month when we first spoke\u2014partly because it was her company\u2019s busy season and partly because she’s always gone\u00a0\u201cabove and beyond\u201d in her business. She said she was feeling burned out and drained.

And Meg was resentful.\u00a0

She was resentful of the members of her team for not putting\u00a0in the kind of effort and hours she did. She blamed them for a recent order that was delivered later than promised. \u00a0And she was also resentful and angry at the customer\u00a0who complained after his order was late.

\u201cI just can\u2019t believe the nerve of that guy,\u201d Meg said.\u00a0 \u201cI was so backed up and\u00a0worked my butt off all week. I stayed until almost midnight on Tuesday. The order was only a few days late\u2014and he could care a less about the extra work I put in for him. No appreciation!\u201d

Meg talked about how she always sacrifices so much for others, yet no one ever returns the support or validates her efforts\u2014ever!

\u201cI feel so tired and defeated,\u201d she said.

This is what it looks like to be stuck in the \u201cMartyr Trap.\u201d

Similar to the \u201cPowerless Trap,\u201d people in the \u201cMartyr Trap\u201d seem to always be wallowing in misery, and they feel personally victimized by anything that goes wrong\u2014even when the problem or circumstance\u00a0wasn\u2019t directed at them.

But people in the \u201cMartyr Trap\u201d take it a step further. They typically go out of their way to put themselves in situations that are likely to cause them grief\u2014and they often have little interest in discussing\u00a0possible solutions to alleviate their suffering.

They unnecessarily \u201csacrifice\u201d themselves for others from a place of obligation and guilt, while ignoring their own needs and desires.

It\u2019s no real mystery why so many women find themselves in the \u201cMartyr Trap.\u201d\u00a0 Most of us have been directly taught to believe that selflessness<\/em> is the ultimate virtue for women.

Our mothers, aunts, and grandmothers have been our selfless <\/em>role models, and this \u201cvirtue\u201d has been revered in our customs, traditions, religious doctrines, arts, and literature. It’s so conditioned in us that we often don\u2019t even realize that selflessness <\/em>is the goal we are striving for.

In her book, \u201cUntamed<\/a>,\u201d Glennon Doyle, shares her wisdom about the travesty of this conditioning that is especially esteemed in motherhood:

\u201cMothers have martyred themselves in their children\u2019s names since the beginning of time. We have lived as if she who disappears the most, loves the most. We have been conditioned to prove our love by slowly ceasing to exist.\u201d

How sad is that truth bomb?

When we spend a lifetime holding others up while denying our own needs, desires, gifts, talents, and dreams\u2014over time, we truly become self-LESS.<\/em> We become lost, and this can naturally breed anger, resentment, and a sense of hopelessness. And these feelings can make us feel trapped, without an option to say no or do things for ourselves.

Once again, Glennon Doyle says it best:

\u201cWhen women lose themselves, the world loses its way. We do not need more selfless women. What we need right now is more women who have detoxed themselves so completely from the world\u2019s expectations that they are full of nothing but themselves. What we need are women who are full of themselves.\u201d

How is this all landing for you?

Do you take pride in being selfless<\/em>?

Are you denying parts of yourself, while sacrificing your time, energy, and talents for others?

If you\u2019re feeling stuck in the \u201cMartyr Trap\u201d and you\u2019re ready for a change, you can do it!

Stuck is a mindset, and you have the capability to liberate yourself from the guilt and shame that often keeps women tethered inside this trap.

If you\u2019re willing, here\u2019s where you can start:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  1. Take responsibility for your own needs, desires, and dreams. <\/strong> Get clear on what truly matters to you and own your right to have it.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. Create an action plan.  Write out your goals and the steps you need to take to achieve them. And then, act. (No excuses!) Action will keep you in the present moment, which is the only space where you have power and influence. <\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. Practice saying \u201cno.\u201d If you don\u2019t want to do something because it doesn\u2019t align with your priorities, values, or goals\u2014don\u2019t do it. When you feel like other people have more control over your life than you do, it’s often because your boundaries are unclear. Saying \u201cno\u201d will take practice after a lifetime of yeses, so start practicing saying \u201cno\u201d to small requests and work towards those that are more difficult for you.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  4. Own your \u201cyeses.\u201d <\/strong> It\u2019s absolutely fine to say \u201cyes\u201d to helping others!  Of course, you have the right to help anyone you want to help whenever your heart wants to do so. The important distinction to remember though is that you\u2019re doing so because you want<\/em> to NOT because you have to<\/em>\u2014no more BS-ing yourself on this. When you own your \u201cyes,\u201d you own your power!<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  5. Create affirmations to remind yourself of your worthiness: When you step outside the \u201cMartyr Trap,\u201d your primal brain is guaranteed to bum-rush you with guilt and shame like never before.  Awareness is the best antidote to this assault, and creating affirmations to repeat and familiarize your subconscious mind to your updated beliefs will be helpful. Here are a few of my favorites that you are welcome to borrow: *I approve of myself; *My thoughts and opinions are valuable. *I am worthy of love and respect. *I am enough. I release the need to prove myself to anyone. *When I shine, my soul expands, and the world gets brighter!<\/em><\/li>\n\n\n\n
  6. Get support! Mindset work is not a \u201cone and done\u201d kind of practice.  When you are shifting your beliefs and making changes in your life, it\u2019s only natural for you to feel unsettled, worried, confused, or scared during the process. I know a fantastic life coach who can help you with that (wink)! Check out my private life coaching page here: PRIVATE COACHING PAGE<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    Sister! You are meant to live a life full of inspiration, not obligation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    It\u2019s your birthright to prioritize your own needs, desires, and pleasures\u2014and to develop your unique talents, interests, and dreams.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Not only do you deserve it, but the world will benefit when you show up completely and full of yourself!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    If you embraced this belief, imagine the kickass example you will provide for your daughters, your sisters, your nieces, your friends, your own mother. . . .<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Do it for them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    But more importantly, do it for yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Allow yourself permission to release the shame and guilt and break out of the \u201cMartyr Trap”\u2014 step into your power, bask in your brilliance, and share your light with the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    You’ve given so much to everyone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    It’s your time to shine! xo<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Life Coaching Tip: The \u201cMartyr Trap\u201d is similar to the \u201cPowerless Trap\u201d from my last post. However, it\u2019s a bit more insidious, because we live in a culture that teaches young girls and women that it\u2019s virtuous to put the needs of others ahead of our\u00a0own. This is reinforced when we are rewarded with praise …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":6501,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"featured_image_urls":{"full":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3.jpg",922,618,false],"thumbnail":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-150x150.jpg",150,150,true],"medium":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-300x201.jpg",300,201,true],"medium_large":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-768x515.jpg",768,515,true],"large":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3.jpg",922,618,false],"1536x1536":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3.jpg",922,618,false],"2048x2048":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3.jpg",922,618,false],"banner":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-922x533.jpg",922,533,true],"section":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3.jpg",922,618,false],"full-width":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3.jpg",922,618,false],"featured":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-800x600.jpg",800,600,true],"one-half":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-550x413.jpg",550,413,true],"one-third":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-350x263.jpg",350,263,true],"one-fourth":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-260x195.jpg",260,195,true],"tiny":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-80x80.jpg",80,80,true],"ab-block-post-grid-landscape":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-600x400.jpg",600,400,true],"ab-block-post-grid-square":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-600x600.jpg",600,600,true]},"post_excerpt_stackable":"

    Life Coaching Tip: The \u201cMartyr Trap\u201d is similar to the \u201cPowerless Trap\u201d from my last post. However, it\u2019s a bit more insidious, because we live in a culture that teaches young girls and women that it\u2019s virtuous to put the needs of others ahead of our\u00a0own. This is reinforced when we are rewarded with praise for neglecting our own needs and aspirations \u2014making it difficult to break free from this trap. But, as always, awareness is the key and change is possible!——————-\u201cWhat am I supposed to do?\u201d my client, Donna, asked me.\u201cMy sisters won\u2019t help with our mom, and I\u2019m…<\/p>\n","category_list":"Uncategorized<\/a>","author_info":{"display_name":"Tracy Baranauskas","author_link":"https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/author\/tracy\/"},"comments_num":"0 comments","featured_image_urls_v2":{"full":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3.jpg",922,618,false],"thumbnail":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-150x150.jpg",150,150,true],"medium":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-300x201.jpg",300,201,true],"medium_large":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-768x515.jpg",768,515,true],"large":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3.jpg",922,618,false],"1536x1536":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3.jpg",922,618,false],"2048x2048":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3.jpg",922,618,false],"banner":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-922x533.jpg",922,533,true],"section":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3.jpg",922,618,false],"full-width":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3.jpg",922,618,false],"featured":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-800x600.jpg",800,600,true],"one-half":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-550x413.jpg",550,413,true],"one-third":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-350x263.jpg",350,263,true],"one-fourth":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-260x195.jpg",260,195,true],"tiny":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-80x80.jpg",80,80,true],"ab-block-post-grid-landscape":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-600x400.jpg",600,400,true],"ab-block-post-grid-square":["https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/Untitled-design-3-600x600.jpg",600,600,true]},"post_excerpt_stackable_v2":"

    Life Coaching Tip: The \u201cMartyr Trap\u201d is similar to the \u201cPowerless Trap\u201d from my last post. However, it\u2019s a bit more insidious, because we live in a culture that teaches young girls and women that it\u2019s virtuous to put the needs of others ahead of our\u00a0own. This is reinforced when we are rewarded with praise for neglecting our own needs and aspirations \u2014making it difficult to break free from this trap. But, as always, awareness is the key and change is possible!——————-\u201cWhat am I supposed to do?\u201d my client, Donna, asked me.\u201cMy sisters won\u2019t help with our mom, and I\u2019m…<\/p>\n","category_list_v2":"Uncategorized<\/a>","author_info_v2":{"name":"Tracy Baranauskas","url":"https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/author\/tracy\/"},"comments_num_v2":"0 comments","yoast_head":"\nThe Martyr Trap<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Many women have been conditioned to believe that selflessness is the ultimate virtue\u2014making it difficult to break free from the "Martyr Trap."\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/the-martyr-trap\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Martyr Trap\" \/>\n<meta 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