{"id":3814,"date":"2021-12-09T17:12:33","date_gmt":"2021-12-09T17:12:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/?p=3814"},"modified":"2023-11-25T18:57:45","modified_gmt":"2023-11-25T18:57:45","slug":"the-answer-is-no-a-lesson-in-boundaries-101","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/movingforwardcoaching.com\/the-answer-is-no-a-lesson-in-boundaries-101\/","title":{"rendered":"The Answer is No: A Lesson in Boundaries 101"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Life Coaching Tip: If saying \u201cno\u201d is a ch<\/em>allenge for you, start small. The more you practice setting boundaries, the more confident you will become at standing up for yourself. This is important, because in the end, it’s not about saying “no” at all. It’s about learning to say “yes” to yourself!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

_________________<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can still remember the first time I said \u201cno\u201d to someone without apology or explanation.

It may sound odd that I remember this as a milestone in my life, but honestly, I do.

Like many people, I was taught from an early age NEVER to say \u201cno\u201d to an adult. As a matter of respect, it didn\u2019t matter how I felt about it, I learned that it was wrong to debate the point, complain, or say \u201cno.\u201d

And it went on . . .  because this wasn\u2019t just true when a directive came from an adult. Really, I was taught that it was impolite to say \u201cno\u201d to just about anybody.

As a young girl, I was expected to smile, comply and \u201cbe nice.\u201d  This meant it was definitely not okay to \u201churt someone\u2019s feelings.\u201d

My feelings? Well, I guess they didn\u2019t matter much. At least that was the messaging I received. All that seemed to matter was not \u201cmaking\u201d anyone else unhappy, disappointed, or angry.

So, for much of my life, I was saying \u201cyes\u201d to just about everything. My plate was more than full, and I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and unhappy.

And the guilt!

As much as I tried not to \u201cmake\u201d anyone unhappy, disappointed, or angry\u2014they often were. Trying to anticipate other people\u2019s reactions and get ahead of it ramped up my anxiety, and choosing between requests made me crazy.

I had no idea how to stop the endless pattern of trying to please others at the sake of my own happiness and wellbeing. Although I knew it would be a good idea to say \u201cyes\u201d to my own wants and needs, it never felt worth the guilt that would follow.

I also didn\u2019t really know what I wanted and needed because I had little experience with these thoughts. My brain was trained to tap into other people\u2019s feelings and to consider their wants and needs\u2014not my own.

Now I\u2019m going to stop here for a moment and say . . . I know, for sure, I\u2019m not the only woman on the planet who grew up this way.

Unfortunately, I think most of us did. The conditioning, often from well-meaning, loving adults, started early\u2014and then, we took it from there.

Today, we receive conflicting messages from the media and elsewhere telling us to make ourselves a priority, practice self-care, and \u201cjust say no\u201d to all that does not serve us. But if this is unfamiliar, it can bring on even more uncomfortable, shame producing feelings.

So, if you can relate to any of this and have trouble saying \u201cno,\u201d here\u2019s what worked for me . . . .

I practiced saying \u201cno\u201d in little bits.

First in situations with those not close to me, like to a host at a restaurant who wanted to sit us at a table that was too close to the noisy kitchen\u2014and then I gradually made my way to acquaintances and those in my immediate circle.

As I practiced, I tried doing so without explanation or apology, giving up the idea that I needed to gain the other person\u2019s approval to make it \u201cokay.\u201d

That was a hard one!

But I\u2019m much better at it today. Over the years, I\u2019ve learned the importance of tapping into my own wants, needs, and values, and saying \u201cno\u201d to all that doesn\u2019t align with them.

Now going back to the start of this story, I\u2019ll finish telling you about that first memorable time . . . .

It was my daughter, Marissa\u2019s, senior year of high school, and she was coming back after being injured for most of the track season. As you might imagine, I was excited (and a little nervous) for her, and I knew it might be the last time I\u2019d see her compete in high school.

Well, the night before that meet, I received a call from another team member\u2019s parent.

She was very direct and said, \u201cI\u2019m putting together a schedule of parents to volunteer at the concession stand tomorrow. You\u2019ll need to pick a time.\u201d

What? I never signed up to do anything like that,<\/em> I thought but didn\u2019t say aloud.

She went on. \u201cThis is a requirement for all the parents. It raises funds to support the team, and we all need to do our part.\u201d

I wanted to tell her that there was no way in hell I would be in that concession stand and miss my daughter\u2019s races. I also wanted to say it was rude and presumptuous to call me the night before a meet with this type of expectation.

But I didn\u2019t.

Instead, this is what I said: \u201cNo, that doesn\u2019t work for me.\u201d (silence)

Her: \u201cBut\u2026 (blah, blah, blah)\u201d

Me: \u201cMy answer is no. Thank you. Hope to see you at the meet.\u201d

Sister! I was so flippin\u2019 proud of myself!!!

No guilt, no explanation, I just said \u201cno\u201d!

Ready to give it a try? I encourage you to start small like I did.

Other than simply saying \u201cno,\u201d here are some more ways to say it\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n